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THE SPOOKY FiLES
CATTLE JUiCE
Aliens, UFO's, and Cows
The really light gray Ford drove down the street. (people think it's white but it's actually a really, really light gray. anyway) The yellow and orange and red leaves fell from the trees to the damp morning road where they got run over by cars, and on this particular morning they were run over by a really light gray Ford carrying two passengers; one with bright red hair and the other with small brown hair. (and I say small 'cause it's too light to be medium brown. understood? good. anyway) The two people sat in the car as the ingine responded to the taller of the two's foot pressing down on the gas pedal. It was nearing 8:00 AM that morning as they were just arriving to the seen. Mulder and Scully looked on at the seen, Mulder making a blank face as comes naturaly when he approaches seens, and Scully had two wrinkles in her fore head suggesting that there were like, thoughts flowing through her very cynical mind. Police cars and other light gray Fords were scattered about the street suggesting that cops and F.B.I. folk alike were investigating - - at least that's what Mulder thought, and soon was proved right when he saw several cops and Agents looking at the ground and stuff like that. Mulder and Scully stepped out of their really light gray car and were immediately approached by an F.B.I. looking guy. Mulder figured he was from the F.B.I. 'cause he wasn't wearing a police uniform but instead was wearing a large dark gray coat which is the outfit of choice for all F.B.I. officers on chilly mornings like this one. Mulder's assumption of that fact was soon confirmed when the man flashed his F.B.I. badge in his face and said "Special Agent Dukes, F.B.I."
"'Special Agent'?" asked Mulder.
"Yeah."
"And what makes you special Mr. Dukes?"
There was a brief pause. Agent Dukes shrugged it off leading them to the real seen. There was yellow "CAUTION" strip wrapped around the entire park but there was actually only a very small area where any evidence would be found. Scully looked all around at the trees and the park. Across the street she examined a large brick school. Then finally she looked down at the ground where there lay a large cow.
"Gosh!" said Mulder placing a handkerchief over his mouth and nose to block the stench.
"Horable isn't it. Who would do such a thing?" said Agent Dukes.
"Yeah. When exactly did the death happen?" asked Mulder.
"3:40 AM this morning." replied Scully already looking at the cows wounds with a large magnifying glass autographed by Sherlock Holmes.
"Yeah." said Agent Dukes. "That's what our scientists thought too. Almost."
"Yes." started Scully standing back up. "The cow was killed this morning at 3:40 AM and 16 seconds by a tall American man with a large stelleto."
"How can you tell?" asked Mulder.
"Well, there's two large puncture wounds in the upper juggernaut of the cow's neck and judging by the size and depth of the wound it was done with a large stelleto."
"And how do you know it was done by man?"
"Because of the way the man was holding the knife. Men have big pointy bones that stick out of there hands under their thumbs. Women don't have them. That caused the angle of the knife as it penetrated to moved up an 8th of a degree. His size was determined by the fact that a cows of this size would have been stabbed on a lower part of the neck if it were done by an average or smaller man but this puncture wound was up fairly high."
There was a pause and after Mulder finished examining his own hands he asked "Alright, how do you know it was an American?"
"Are you kidding Mulder..? Who else would go around murdering cows?"
* * *
After a very extensive examination of the victim and the surrounding area Mulder and Scully met back with "Special" Agent Dukes. Agent Dukes approached Mulder with a cynical look on his face.
"Tough one to figure eh?"
"Well I think if we follow basic investigating procedures we could figure this out fairly easy."
"'Basic investigating procedures'?"
"Yes, for instance, compiling suspects and attempting to establish a motive."
"Establishing a motive? For the murder of a cow?!"
"Yes, as you say, 'for the murder, of a cow.'"
"All right Agent Mulder, why don't you try to compile suspects huh?"
"Well, I think for that task I'd need to talk to you, local law enforcement. Have any establishments that might requier cow blood opened lately? Or any recently arriving individuals that have a need?"
"A need for cow blood? No Agent, I read the Classifieds and I've never seen such a request." said Agent Dukes sarcastically.
"Well do you know of any witnesses or people seen in the area?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact. A guy named Freddy Hallows reported seeing something around that time this morning."
"Well may we talk with Mr. Hallows?"
"Sure, right this way."
Special Agent Dukes started leading the two Agents towards a man ahead. He was tall, pale, and had side burns that all but covered the tip of his chin.
"Mr. Hallows, I'd like you to meet Agents Mulder and Scully from Washington D.C., they'd like to ask you some questions."
"Um, okay." replied Freddy nervously.
"Mr. Hallows I'm Specialer Agent Mulder, F.B.I., I'd just like to ask you a few questions about what you saw last night. What exactly were you doing out here at that time?"
"Well," he started shakily, "Yesterday I went to my Science class at the college across the street and I left my homework there by mistake. I have finals tomarow so I needed it. So as soon as I remembered I'd left it there I came back."
"What were you doing awaked at that time?"
"Just watching Jerry Springer."
"Did you drive out here?"
"Yes. I just got my licence recently. I never had a car before 'cause I couldn't afford one, or the insurance, but my buisness has really taken off so I bought one recently."
"What do you do here Mr. Hallows?"
"Oh, I started my own resturante. It's called Cattle Juice, it's back in town at the Drabbsville Shopping Center."
"'Cattle Juice'?"
"Yes, we have several different kinds of Bloody Marries there, all my secret resapies. Then, when my friend tried one once he said it tasted like cow blood so when I opened my resurante I decided Cattle Juice would be a nice name."
"Interesting. Is that your black car over there?" asked Mulder motioning to the Pinto parked across the street.
"Actually, it's really dark blue."
"Oh, I'm sorry sir. Looks black."
"Oh no, that's all right. A lot of people think it's black. In fact recently I went to a convention and they announced there was a black Pinto with it's lights on." he laughed. "I just went out there on a hunch."
Scully grew impatient with all the chit-chat.
"Mr. Hallows, what exactly did you see last night?"
"Three women were fighting over a fat ugly man with no money or brain."
"No, I mean what did you see here last night, not on Jerry Springer."
"Oh, oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, well as I said I was going to the college and I looked over to see a cow at the park. Nothing unusual about that really. It wasn't until a flying saucer flew over and an alien came out of it, sucked all the blood out of it's neck, and beamed back up into the space ship that I knew something was going on."
"What did you do then?" asked Mulder.
"Well, what could I do? I ran over to the cow and gave it CPR."
"You gave mouth-to-mouth to a dead cow?!"
"No! Don't be silly Agent Mulder... I gave him the himelick."
"The himelick?!" asked Scully. "Sir why on earth would you give the himelick to a dead cow?!"
"Well it's all I knew to do! Besides, I didn't know he was dead, then."
"All right Mr. Hallows, then what did you do?"
"Well, I figured that there was nothing else to do. So, I uh..."
"You what Mr. Hallows?"
"I- I- I milked him."
"You milked a dead cow?!"
"Well what was I supposed to do? All the stores in town were closed and I figured while I was out there I might as well."
"Well, sir, for future reference, never, never, ever milk a dead cow." said Scully.
"Understood."
* * *
After their discussion with Freddy Hallows they figured there was nothing left to be done but to go back to the hotel. Mulder and Scully walked back and got into their really light gray Ford and begain driving back. The drive was long and boring for both of them as they sat silently with their thought and speculation bouncing through their Tylonol-needing heads. Finally Mulder broke the silence.
"Like Willie Nelson Scully?"
"What?"
"Willie Nelson. I used to drive my dorm mates crazy playing this stuff at Oxford." he said sliding a tape into the car's tape player. With that the speakers sprung to life as the mellow country tunes of Willie Nellson floated through the car.
"Mulder since when did you like Willie Nelson?"
"What do you mean Scully?"
"Well on all our other investigations you only wanted to listen to Soul Coughing."
"Soul Coughing?" he laughed. "Scully you are so last season."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, Soul Coughing was on our last movie's soundtrack."
"And it isn't going to be on our next?"
"Of course not. I cut a deal with Chris: I keep choking down these sesamie seeds 'cause he likes them and he lets us have the Willie Nelson re-mix of the theme on our movie, and the next season's shows."
"Mulder, you're breaking out of character in mid-story. Doesn't that infringe some sort of deal we made with Chris Carter? Like say, oh, our contract?"
"Gillian, remember when I said to Chris I'd rather we not use fake buildings for this episode, and that we be in a real car with remotely controlled cameras in it instead of camera men and green screens projecting fake pictures of places whizzing by us?"
"Yes."
"Well, why do you think that is?"
"I don't know, when I asked you on the set you just started laughing at me and walked back to your camper."
"Yup, well this is why!" he cackled speeding down the streets.
"Seven seasons Scullian. Seven seasons! All these seasons I've been putting up with Carter's whining and complaining." he said changing his voice to a high pitched whine to impersonate Chris Carter. "'Well, you didn't stand in the right spot. You didn't eat enaugh sesimi seeds. You didn't pull your badge out of your pocket right.' Geez! Seven seasons of put up with that guy, but not anymore Gillian. Not anymore!"
"David slow down! You're going crazy!"
"Maybe Scully - - maybe!" he said going even faster. they whipped around corners as Mulder turned up his radio, the music pounding in their ears only out done by the loudness of Dochuvney's yelling and screaming. Then, Gillian realized the cliff they were coming towards and started screaming. They soared off of it and just before their light gray Ford hit the jagged rocks below-
"Ah!!!" Scully scream jumping up on her bed. She panted and whipped the sweat streaked hair out of her face trying to grasp the situation. Then she remembered them driving back to the hotel and her falling asleep watching TV. She gave a sigh of relief then reaching for the remote control bolted to the night table beside her turned off the TV showing another re-run of Alligator Hunter. She looked over at her clock reading 2:17 AM and lay back down in bed to sleep.
Sweet Potato Pie
One. Two. Three went the sesimi seeds as they hit the night table of Mulder's room. He layed in bed, still in his suite, and still after hours, was watching Bay Watch re-runs. He continues to nible at the sesimi seeds as he sat pensively, not paying much attention to the show anymore. The whole night he'd been reluctantly thinking about everything Freddy Hallows had said. The thoughts flew through his head exactly like they'd happened earlier except to be more theatrical everything he said had an echo. "Yesterday I went to my sciance class accross the street." "Cattle Juice" "He said it tasted like cow blood." "Cattle Juice" "I gave him the himelick." "cow blood" "actually it's blue" "cattle juice" "cow blood" "cow blood" "cow blood"
"Mulder?" said Scully trying to get his attention.
"Scully, what- what are you doing?"
"I couldn't sleep. I thought I'd check to see if you had any new insights into this case."
"Well since you mention it, I've been thinking that Freddy Hallows isn't what he seems."
"You mean you think he's been slaughtering cows to use their blood for drinks at his resturante?"
"No, but that is an interesting theory. I think he might be extra terestrial."
"Mulder, remember what I told you about the Easter Bunny..? Well it's the same with aliens. They aren't real."
"Well you waskilly whabbit, if they aren't real then how do you explain this?"
"Explain what?"
"This." replied Mulder turning on his projector which he conviniantly remembered to bring and bring all the information he had on cows and cow-mutilation.
"Are you famillar with cow mutilation Scully?"
"You mean the theory of aliens landing on earth in U.F.O's and exanguinating cows? No, what's that?"
Mulder shrugged and turned on the projector, a large picture of cow with two holes in it's neck. As he pressed the little clicker button more and more pictures of dead cows appeared.
"This is impossible."
"No, just highly improbable." replied Mulder.
"For decades farmers and spectators have reported strange accurances of their cattle being slaughtered with their blood completely sucked up. The sucking up of the blood was caused by puncturing the juggernaut of the neck and the blood pumping it into some sort of containers for the aliens to study. Some believed it was vampires sucking the blood out of them; others went with the theory of Chipacabras, a half Vampire Bat half Kangaroo like creature that sucked the blood to live. When asked what I though of the theories I said I thought all those theories *sucked* but no one got it. Yet, there is a third theory with less suck and more pump. The farmers had no idea what exanguinating was so they assumed suck, but they were wrong. The aliens Scully, the aliens are doing this. And I believe that Freddy Hallows might be one of them."
"Mulder, what makes you so sure that Freddy Hallows is an alien? Did you notice his ray-gun or any green slime dripping from his sleeves? Or did you write his name with Scrabble pieces, mix up the letters, and discover that it spelled 'IMANALIEN' or something like that?"
"No, but that would clear it up. Actually the only real reason I think he could be an alien is 'cause he just had a kinda alien look to him. I mean c'mon Scully; you didn't think he was weird looking?"
"Well yeah, but I don't think that's any grounds to assume he's extra terestrial."
"Scully, remember the last weird looking guy we encountered?"
"You mean the alien bounty hunter with abnormaly shaped jaw bones?"
"Yeah him. I thought he was just plain ugly 'till he started dripping green slime and using alien switch blades to kill clones."
"Well, that was a dead givaway; but still, this guy just has funny looking side burns. That's just his tast in facial hair not abnormallity."
"Yes but maybe those chops are to cover his abnormally large jaw bones."
"Mulder, don't you think abnormally large jaw bones is just a coincidence? I mean, just because one alien had a bony face dousn't mean that it's an alien charecteristic by default."
"Yes but Scully, what if- just what if..?"
"Mulder I'm really tired. I'm going to try to get some sleep and I suggest you do the same."
"All right, but tommarow I say we go check out Cattle Juice... Welcome to Weirdz Ville Scully, and meet our mayor: Freddy Hallows."
* * *
Champ. Chomp. Chomp went Mulder's teeth as he devowered the plate of sweet potato pie. He still lay awake in bed half an hour later. The sweet potato pie started to get dull. He looked over at his bag of remaining sesimi seeds and got an idea. He sprinkled sesimi seeds over it. Then, as he decided he best try to get some sleep his phone rang. He jumped and fumbled through the piled of magazines and books on his night table untill he found the phone. He put it to his ear and said "Hello?" but the only responce he got was a few low clicks. To anyone else this would be insignifocant, but not for Fox "Spooky" Mulder. He grabbed his coat and was out the door walking down the cold dark street. Fog rolled in for that eary efect that anyone looking for good ratings in a show should have and through that fog came a dark, mysterious figure, with a deap froggy voice. Mulder walked right by not seeing him.
"Mellow-dramatic night isn't it Agent Mulder?"
Mulder swung around as if he didn't expect that a dark mysterious figure was following him.
"Deep Throat-"
"Don't use my real name you fool! They could be watching us!"
"Wait a minute, are you trying to tell me you real name is Deap Throat?"
"You fool! You said it again! - - Well enaugh with the pleasentries, let's get down to buisness."
"Cliche. So what sage advice do you have for me today Yoda?" Mulder laughed.
"You're being followed Agent Mulder."
"Ahh, cliche again. Who is it this time?"
"Now listen to me Mulder, this is no joke. This time it wasn't them."
"Them who?"
"Them Them! Look Mulder, you are aware of the secret group that conciels the exsistance of extra terestrials."
"Yes, the Majestic 12, a group started in the 40's under the presidency of Eisinhower."
"Very good. Well this time it wasn't them. This is indipendant work having nothing to do with, them. You have to see Mulder, you're in the F.B.I. You can't spend your whole life souly devoted to searching for little green men. And you have to see that it isn't just one group in this world that's behind everything. Now granted, the White House plays a major role in modern America, but what about the others? Did you know that even before there was such a thing as Majestic 12 there was an all powerful group called The Illuminati? Are you fammilar with them?"
"Yes, The Illuminati is a religious based group that supposably has been around since the 16th century. Under the command of anciant emprors, kings, and even our countries first president."
"Yes, but what has that group been doing? How much power do they really have?"
"Well granted five centuries is plenty enaugh time to get some connections but as far as I'm concerned the Majestic 12 are the real power in the world."
"Mulder, I want you to see something." Deap Throat said as he reached into his pocket and grabbed his wallet. He pulled it out and appeared to be taking out a dollar bill when a really dark blue Pinto drove by, and pretty fast.
"That's him, that's Freddy Hallows!" said Mulder.
"I've gotta go after him."
"No Mulder wait, you must understand this isn't important!"
But Mulder was already running back to the hotel with Deap Throat trying to keep up behind him.
"Agent Mulder, wait! You don't need this case!"
Mulder jumped into his light gray Ford and started the ingine, not even hearing Deap Throat yell through the window "Look at this dollar bill! See the piramid? Washington was-" but Deap Throat was cut off. The car blazed away after the dark blue Pinto. Deap Throat dissappeared into the shaddows and Mulder was screaching down the street trying to catch up with Freddy Hallows. Eventually he caught up with him and slowed to stay at a discrete distance. Mulder glanced over at the large brick building and realised they were back at the park he parked his car by the college behind a large bush. Large enaugh to hid his car but with a bare spot so he could see through to wear Freddy was parking. He pulled his binoculars out of his glove compartment and looked through the hole in the bush to see Mr. Hallows pulling a large stelleto out of a jug and walking onto the park. Mulder realised he was about to go to the tree line where he would be out of sight. He thought maybe he should get out and follow him but the chances he'd be seen were to high. He watched as Freddy went strait to a large oak tree and from behind it grabbed a large empty bucket with what appeared to be red paint splatter down its sides. He dissappeared past the tree line and Mulder observed that right past the trees was a large slope completely concieling what lay beyond. He sat there silently for nearly 15 minutes untill finnaly he saw something. A large animal trumping through the trees with a tall man following it. The man appeared to be holding something and with the moonlight shining behend the man he could make out large side burns on his face. Finnaly the man sprung and stabbed the animal in the neck. The man dissappeared down the slope but the large animal's head could be seen just before it went out of site down the slope as well, and Mulder's suspission was confirmed when he realised, it was a cow!
"Well well well. How now brown cow." said Mulder still looking through his binoculars.
Mulder looked over at Freddy's Pinto and as Freddy came over the slope hold the large bucket, not full of some un-know substance Mulder realised he should go so he wouldn't be seen by Freddy or the tall man who killed the cow, whoever that may be.
He drove back to the hotel and went into his room. He laid in bed for a moment, still contemplating this most weird turn of events and closed his eyes to sleep. just as his eyes closed his door opened and Scully walked in, fully awake.
"Mulder? Time to get up, Cattle Juice opens soon."
"Wha? Get out of here Scully, I just went to sleep."
"Mulder, it's seven o'clock. Mr. Hallows dousn't work the desk at Cattle Juice untill ten and it opens at eight thirty so I suggest we get there quick."
"Why?"
"Because, if we go there when he's working the desk he'll know we suspect him."
"We suspect him?"
"Mulder at this point we suspect everyone in this little town. But before we go, do you have anything to eat here?"
"Umm, to eat? Yeah, there's some sweet potato pie on the night table."
What Are You Doing?
Now Mulder and Scully sat in the car. Mulder, too tired to drive sat slouched in the passenger seat. Mulder needed something to keep him awake. He glanced over at the tape slightly pushed out of the tape player and reached to push it in. Scully looked over at his hand reaching for it, and suddenly images of them crashing with Willie Nellson music playing spun through her head. Quickly she yelled "No!" and pushed his hand away, but it was too late. The cassete pushed in and before Mulder could figure out what was going on, the tape started playing: "Unmarked helicopters - hovering. The Lord is coming soon..."
"Scully what's the matter with you?"
"Nothing sorry. I just thought- well last night- oh nevermind. I'm fine."
"Okay, well if there's something wrong-"
"Do you like Willie Nellson?" she rattles off.
"What? Willie Nellson? Scully what's the matter with you? You know I hate all country. What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing, it's okay. I've got it."
"Scully if you don't want to listen to Soul Coughing-"
"No no no. Leave it. It's fine."
They drove along, making their way to Cattle Juice. The music drifted through the car with a slightly eary echo: "The demon was an idea, the demon is awake. Well scratch mark left accross the, surface of your mind. This hour now upon us - the hour has now arrived."
"All right, here we are." said Scully pulling into the parking lot of a small shopping center. They looked at Cattle Juice and the surrounding stores and resurantes. 'Ralphs' 'Kinkos' 'J's Burgers' 'Great Cuts' and a small tanning salon: 'Char Broiled.' But in the middle of them all there was a small building with large flashing signs that read "CATTLE JUICE." They parked and walked into the over lit building deccorated in cow print walls and a red floor and ceiling. They walked to the cointer and looked at the over-head menue as they bothe read it off in their mind. It read under 'Beverages' Cattle Juice, Field Liquid, Chocolate Rasberry Milk Shake, etc. The main course menue read Brown Cow Brownies, Tomatoe Surprise, etc. Then, inturupting their reading, a lanky, cross-eyes man came up to their cointer.
"Hi there may I take your order please?" he said cheerfuly.
Mulder and Scully looked him over. He was tall, thin, about 20 years old, and was wearing a cow print uniform with a red apson. His name tag said "ED"
"Yes I'd like two Cattle Juices please."
"All righty then, your total comes to .22." he said right before he yelled into the microphone to the cooks: "Two Cattle Juices, extra whippy, on the rocks hold the little umbrellas!"
Mulder slightly smilled then sat with Scully at the window table.
"I guess I should've looked up the word Cattle Juice in the dictionary before ordering." Mulder whispered jokingly to Scully.
"Mulder," Scully started at a near whisper. "Do you really think we should be drinking here? I mean if this Freddy Hallows really is responcible for these cow murders..."
"Yes, what if..."
"Well I have a hunch that this resturante might have something to do with the killings."
"Well like what Scully?"
Scully sighed.
"I don't know Mulder, but my theory is that he's slaughtering cows for some anciant Cowpungee rituals."
"'Cowpungee'?"
"Yes. The Cowpungee is an anciant practice of sacrifising cows to a farmer God called Zeek. It's been going on for as long as back to the 17th century."
"Why would this Zeek God want sacrifised cows?"
"Well the myth goes that Zeek was a farmer on a large chicken ranch. One day his friend Ernie, now an evil God in the religion, came up to him and told him that aside from chickens, cows would be an eccelant addition to his farm, for meat and for milk. At the time Zeek trusted Ernie and bought a large heard of cows, about - - 5,000 I think. Well, one day when he opened the gates to start milking them, they turned on him and stampeeded over him. They all escaped. Now, these followers of Cowpungee have sworn to their farmer Lord Zeek to not rest untill 5,000 cows have been brutaly murdered."
"Then how come there haven't already been thousands of cattle rampages?"
"Lack of followers I believe. Actually, the person who made up the whole religion after the death of Zeek, was Zeek's brother George. Goerge is now the Cowpungee Saint. The remaining Cowpungee's place of worship is resurante such as McDonalds, Burger King, and countless other places that sell large quatities of beef products."
"Why at those places? Is it because a large amount of beef is served meaning that cows are being killed for it?"
"Either that or they enjoy feeling chunks of lard flowing through their arteries."
* * *
Scully and Mulder pulled up to the small crime lab and stepped out of the car holding their un-drank cups of Cattle Juice. They walked in and were greeted by John Amos, a tall black man with his face covered by a magazine he was reading.
"Excuse me." said Mulder shocked to see the Washington crime lab scientist working out in Ohio.
"Hey, Agent Mulder! What the heck are you doing in Ohio?"
"Well I'm on a case. What are you doing here?"
"No, what are you doing?"
"What are you doing?!"
"Just drinking an impor' watching the national re-cap."
"That is correct."
"True."
"True."
Mulder the realised the confused look on Scully's face the explaned it was a beer comercial.
"Now seriously John, what are you doing here?"
"Can ya believe it? Stuff got so slow back in D.C. they shipped me out here. As if that helps. Now I'm working all day- well working isn't really the word. I think the word I'm looking for is I'm teaching the locals how to tell the difference between a flying saucer and a platter of cold cuts falling out an upstair window."
"You've been recieving reports of U.F.O's in the area?"
"Once in a while. I think the state is paying these folks to give me work. If so they're not concieling it very well 'cause I got this guy yesterday-"
"John I wish I had time to talk, but the real reason I came in here is to let you check out this drink and tell me what's in it." Mulder cut in, handing him the cup.
"Cattle Juice? I can tell you what this is without puting it under a microscope Mulder. It's got 400 callories, 10 grams of fat and a per serving count of uno." he said reading off the Nutrition Facts.
"No no no. What I mean is-"
"Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you mean. You want the secret recipie for Cattle Juice so you can start a chain of resurantes and make millions of dollars. I'll see what I can do." he joked.
"Right." replied Mulder leading Scully out of the building. They got into the really really light gray Ford (I know that's getting repetitive. I'm just saying it over and over and over so yall won't forget. But don't wory, once I'm sure you've got it down, I'll stop reminding you over and over and over and over and- well anyway... they're in the car.)
"So where to Ms. Daisy?" asked Mulder.
"What?"
"It's a joke Scully."
"Not a very good one. I think I've heard it before too."
Mulder was slightly put down so he started eating sesimi seeds. They drove along. Eventualy they arrived at their destinations as little white letters started typing accross the bottom of the screen (well, the book in this case) telling you where they are and what time it is and crap like that. The white letters read: "9:23 AM. The Pumpernickle Inn. Vacency." Mulder and Scully buckled their seatbelts right before they came into view then un-buckled them and stepped out of the car. Scully went strait into her room from its side door but Mulder walked around and went through the lobby. What the point of him doing that is we won't know untill him going through the lobby reveals something vital to the story to our "un-suspecting" hero.
"Jeesh!" said the desk clerk watching a car drive away.
"What happened?" asked Mulder with lots of authority and creepy music starting up.
"Nothing."
He was un-satisfied with the answer. He knew she was concieling. He pulled out his badge and waved it in her face.
"Special Agent Fox W. Mulder, I'm with the F.B. of I. and I demand to know what just happened."
"Some guy askin' questions 'bout one of our guests."
"What questions?"
"He was looking for someone. He wanted to know if a tall male caucasion with medium brown hair, hazel eyes, and a sister who he believes was abducted by aliens when he was just a little kid and now chases little green men with a badge and a gun shouting to the heavens for whoever would listen that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna me the sh-"
"Okay I get the message. Did you tell him of any?"
"Even if there is a guy like that here I wouldn't know. I mean just because you're tall with medium brown hair, hazel eyes, and looks kinda spooky dousn't mean that you're a joke to you're supperiors, an annoyance to your peers and that they call you spooky. Spooky Mulder who's sister was abducted as a little kid and-"
"Did he say anything else?" Mulder inturupted.
"Nothing really. I told him that we don't have any of that information on record and then he gave me his card and told me to come to his new resturante. 'Cattle Juice' I think it was called."
"Okay." Mulder said as he lowered his badge and gun and started to step towards the hall.
"Oh wait, he did say one more thing."
"What woman, what?!" Mulder yelled with his badge and gun once again pointed at her.
"He asked if there were any female F.B.I. agents staying here with red hair and a cynical look on their face and two little wrinkles in her forehead suggesting that she was deeply thinking thoughts about their strange partner who he believes his sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a-"
"What did you say?"
"I said I didn't know. This isn't a prison, we don't have mug shots of people who stay here."
Mulder put away his gun and badge and pulled out his cell phone and dialed Scully's number.
"Scully here." said Scully on the other line.
"Scully, it's Mulder. I've got some new information on this case. We need to talk."
"Well, get here quick because I think we're being followed." she replied looking out her window at the silver camper with large antennas and sattelites on it.
"I'm on my way. I can be there in about 40 seconds just don't go anywhere."
Mulder drew his gun and bolted down the hallway kicking down the unlocked door to Scully's room.
Scully screamed as she whipped around to see the crash.
"Scully! Get down!" Mulder yelled hurling himself towards her. He knocked her to the ground and waved his gun around looking out for danger. When he realised there was nobody around he got off her and she started breathing again.
"Scully, why'd you say you were being followed?"
"There's a camper out there. I think it followed us."
"Mulder peered out the window, his hand gripping his holstered gun, just incase. He realised who it was and let go of his gun giggling just the way all feds, don't.
"What? What's funny Mulder?"
"We aren't being followed. That's a friend of mine."
"You mean the man with a video camera, machine gun and small sattelite pointed at us is your friend?"
"Yeah! Come and meet him, he's a great guy."
They walked outside and up to the small silver camper. Mulder knocked on the door and was imeadiatly replied to with the man inside saying "Password!"
"I forget." Mulder replied. A few seconds later a small hatch opened on the door where just the man's hand stuck out.
"Then do the secret hand shake!" the man inside said.
With that mulder started franticaly switching from move to move like they'd done it a million times. When they finnaly completed their hand dance the hand extended further out the door reaching down to the outside handle and opening the door where the were greeting by a nerdy little man with glasses and red hair pulled into a pony tale.
"Max!"
"Agent Mulder! How are ya y'ol' dog?!"
Scully watched as they hugged and walked into the camper together. She stepped up in as Mulder introduced them.
"Scully this is Max Fennick! You remember Max doncha?"
"Vaguely."
"Well Max, you surely remember Scully doncha?"
"Oh yes. I have an eccilant memory for faces and phone numbers. Just wish I had yours." sighed Max.
There was silence untill finnaly Max started laughing acknowledging it was a joke. Mulder started laughing with him and for the briefest of moments the mussels around Scully's lips thought about moving a little but soon after tossed the idea.
Mulder and Max continued to talk to each other and joke around untill finnally Scully cut in.
"Mr. Fennick-"
"Oh! You can call me Max. And your name?"
"Scully... Well Max what exactly are you doing here?"
"Well it's funny that you should mention me being here, becuase, I am!"
Once again there was silence untill Mulder and Max started laughing again.
"No, no. Really. Why are you here?"
"Cattle Juice."
"Suddenly Mulder's face stopped smilling and he pointed his gun at Max.
"What do you know about Cattle Juice?"
"Just what they serve Mul-"
"Don't lie to me, I know you know something and I'm gonna get it out of you. Now, what do you know about Cattle Juice?"
"Umm, it's a, uh, drink. And it's red, and uh, um, it's like, um, really yummy?"
Mulder put away his gone back in its holster and patted Max on the shoulder.
"It's okay big fella. I know what you're feeling right now."
Max looked over at Scully confused and before he could say anything his ear fell off.
"Oh! Whoa! Sorry 'bout that guys." Max said picking it up and putting it back on his head.
"Ever since the whole alien thing happened my limbs have been falling off sometimes. Like yesterday, I woke up and my eyes had fallen out. I didn't even notice a thing... Get it?!"
"Yes that's very funny but I'm afraid we're out of time for all the pleasentries. We've got to get down to the root of this weed and I think the fertilizer is Freddy Hallows."
* * *
"I don't know what to tell ya Mulldz. I was just surfing the web one day and I saw an add for this resturante called Cattle Juice. So I clicked it and started reading and it struck my interest, so I figured next time I was out in Ohio I'd check it out." said Max.
"And, did you 'check it out'?"
"Yeah, since you mention it, I did. I hoped down there and got meself a drink. Now I go there frequently."
"So what else are you doing here?"
"Oh... The normal I guess. I've been just, watchin' the skies. They actually don't have such a bad U.F.O. club down here. Well, it's actually not a U.F.O. club persay. They studdy all sorts of consperacies. To name a few, Majestic 12, cattle mutilations, crap circles, The Illuminati-"
"The Illuminati?" Mulder replied by reflex.
"Yeah, have you heard of them? It's really cool. check this out!" Max replied exitedly as he pulled a dollar bill from his pocket. He held it up so all three of them could see.
"Look at this: see the little pyramid on the backside? With the little eye ball over it? Ever seen anything like that before Mulder?"
"Sure, hundreds of times."
"Exactly Mulder! Exactly! It's something you see ten billion million hundred thousand times in your life, but did you ever think to take a closer look? Or did you ever stop to think what that alone might be?"
"Not really, but the pyamid I believe is a religious symbol of some sort. Masonic I believe."
"Very good, well, my friends in this club did take a closer look, and ya know what they found? They found that above the pyramid are written the words 'annuit oceptis' and below 'novus ordo seclorum.' And through all their studdies never were able to figure out what those words meant, and if it had any connection to aliens, cattle mutilations, etc. But, then I joined the club, and ya know what I found?"
"Max really, how are you going to find a connection between some anciant religious group and an elite branch of the government concialing the exsistance of U.F.O's?"
"Agent Mulder, would you say aloud the name of the branch of the government. Because then and only then will I give you the answer."
"Majestic 12."
"Well, then you have your answer. Majestic12.com."
"What? Max what the heck are you talking about?"
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, follow me."
They arrived into the back of the camper where on a piece of wood lying on top of Max's un-used bed lay a computer. It was turned on with an Internet Explorer browser pulled onto the screen showing no website.
"Mulder, if you would be so kind as to type in the web address, www.majestic12.com."
Mulder looked skepticaly at Max and then down at the monitor as he typed in the web address and hit enter. A few seconds later they were looking at a web site with a large photo at the top, and below it written "Majestic 12 Select Members Only"
Mulder pondered the strange picture of a man knelt on the ground with his hand breaking through the night sky to the land beyond.
"All right Max, tell me: what douse this strange site have to do with The Illuminati?"
"Right click the word 'Majestic 12' and click 'Save Picture As.'"
Mulder did so and was startled to discover by default the picture wanted to save as "ordo" He was even more startled to discover that the photo that said 'Select Members Only' by default saved as 'seclorum' He assumed that to enter the web site there was some hidden link somewhere written in black on a black background but was dissapointed after he selected the entire page and found nothing.
Even more dissapointing was where after viewing the HTML used to chreate the page there was no secret code typed in so that if you clicked the picture in a cirtain sequence or click a specific corner of the picture you could enter... But the most dissapointing thing for Mulder was when he realised there was no little IP symbol at the bottom right corner of the screen like in The Net. (that woulda been cool. anyway)
Mulder looked up from the computer. "So Max, this is all very interesting but what douse it have to do with this case?"
"And what case would that be?"
"You mean, you didn't hear about the whole cow murdering thing?"
"Cow murdering?! Ah Mulder, don't tell me you've joined the green party or something!"
"Not hardly, but if I had this would be the first case me and the Sirara Club would persue."
"You mean it's more important than making sure fire fighters don't pass a law legalizing the remopvel of dry brush by trees because it can be responcible for forest fires but the Sirara Club says it takes away beauty from our forests? Wow, it must be big."
"Though that is an important issue in a world full of murder, thievery and terroisem it's not to high on this Super Man's 'To Do' list."
"Mulder do you really think we should get a civilian involved in this case?" asked Scully.
Mulder sighed and it only took him a moment to realise that giving Max more information was definately nowhere on this Super Man's 'To Do' list.
"Yeah I guess you're right Scully."
"Wait a minute, Mulder, you can't do this. You can't blow me off like any civilian!"
"I'm sorry Max, but Scully's right. I really shouldn't tell you our suspect. Yup, Scully's right. I really shouldn't tell you that cows have been getting exanguinated and we believe that the culprit is extra terrestrial. That'd be bad."
Scully sighed half amused and Max sighed knowing he wasn't gonna pry any more out of him.
"Welp, see ya later Max."
"Yup, later."
Mulder and Scully walked out the door and back to their rooms. Max, with an evil glassy looking eye glared down at the drawer he'd just opened, looking down at Max's unconciance body and returning to his real face. The face with big side burns all but covering the tip of his chin. The pale face with eyes the color of a swimming pool full of clorine, and the blood shotness of the eyes suggesting he just swam through the pool. He looked over at Mulder and Scully's car. He closed the drawer.
Free Cow Boy Hats
That same day. 11:36 AM. The Pumpernickle Inn. Vacency.
Mulder sat crunching on sesimi seeds. Scully sat typing notes into her laptop. Mulder's room flickered with the small light above his bed trying to decide if it wanted to go out. Scully's room was like a tanning machine due to the one billion light bulb above her bed where she had been sitting but now was sitting in the kitchen 'cause the light started to singe her hair. Tap... Tap... Tap went Scully's keys being hit. The light of the computer screen not visible due to the abbundance of light filling the room.
Though Mulder choses to look for what is not there I have chosen a logical and more scientific set of theories. Mulder's behavior lately has been kinda spooky. His friend Max seemed a tad weird. I seem a bit cynical. The pie Mulder gave me tasted kinda stale. The light bulb in my room is so bright that I can't have that eary blue glow cast upon my face like I do at the end of each eppisode while I'm writing in stuff. Maybe I'll do the last seen in Mulder's room.
PS: Remember to pick up some milk after the theme song is over.
Mulder sat in bed reviewing the case in his mind. There was something missing. He was still trying to determine who that guy was he saw the night before killing the cow and why Freddy Hallows was there. Maybe they're working together... Maybe that was his evil twin brother, Neddy... Maybe it was a clone... I didn't get a good enaugh look at him to tell anything! Bummer... I wonder what Deap Throat was trying to tell me last night... Maybe I should have listened to him... Maybe I should have another talk with Freddy... Maybe I should change hotels incase I'm being followed... Maybe I'll have another peace of pie...
Just then there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?"
"House keeping."
"Just a minute."
Mulder stood up and walked to the door to a woman that looked Chinese, or maybe Jappanees, or maybe Arabian or Asian. He couldn't tell.
"Hallo. Would you a-like to buy some encyclopediers?"
"Excuse me?"
"Ah say, would youz a-like to buy some of zeez encylopediers?"
"I thought you said you were house keeping."
"Well ah am! My name is-a Howz Keey Ping. I am a doorz-to-doorz sales woman. Would you a-like to buy some encyclopediers?"
Mulder half smiled.
"Nope."
"Well would you a-like to buy some kitchen knives?"
"Nope."
"Okay. Methinks you would a-like zeez... Would you a-like to buy a stuffed monkey?"
"Nope."
"No?! Not there anything you police types want frumee?!"
"Not unless you can tell me how this case is going to end, and I highly doubt that."
"Not so fast mun! I happen to have juss zee seen zat you would like."
"I doubt that-" but Mulder was cut off when the woman pulled from her back pocket a movie that said Cattle Juice on the cover and had his and Scully's picture on the front.
"What that?!"
"Oh, all of zee sudon vyou gate zo very intaiested in my products, hmm? Well, for your infomation zeez happens to be the latest eppisode of The Spooky Files and eet ees called, Cattle Juice. Ond you believe me, it eez very gude. It has the whole storry of this eppisode, I haf watched eet myself. In fact, every zeen we are doing right now, eez on zee eppisode. I know what you are going to say next."
"Well, what if I say something different, then the movie is different."
"No, you con't mun. What you juss asked eez on zee eppisode."
"Okay, but what if I jump up and down three times, then what happens?"
"That question is on zee vidyo and soo eez you jumping."
"Well then, I guess I better jump." Mulder said with a mischivious grin. Howz Keey Ping watched ammused as he jumped three times, pretended he was finished, then threw in one last hop.
"HA! Now I've ruined your video! I jumped four times instead of three!"
"What do you mean mun?! In zee movie joo jump four a-times too."
Mulder gave his famouse dissapointed look which often douwbled as his paniced look, happy, sad, mad, mischivious, oblivious, etc., etc., etc., etc.
"Not to worry mun, just take zee video." With that she handed him the video and walked away.
He read the back of the movie and couldn't wait to watch it. He admired the pictures of his facial expressions on the back, one of which he hadn't gotten to even make yet!
He sat on the bed and pushed it into the VCR. He ran to the kitchen trying to get back before the Theme song started and slammed onto the bed spilling some of his pop corn. As much as it dissapointed him he decided for time's sake to fast forward, past the parts that'd already happened, but even watching them fast with no sound was entertaining for him. Then, finnaly he made it to the exact moment. He sat there in bed and stared at a picture of himself sitting on a bed watching himself sit on a bed watching himself sitting on a bed but no more, because by then the pictures of himself had gotten really small so he couldn't see 'em. After 20 minutes of looking at himself looking for a camera in his room he finnaly decided he'd fast forword the picture of himself fast forwording. Finnaly he stopped and watched as in the movie Scully walked in.
"Hi Mulder, what are you watching?"
"Ummm, it's a biography of sorts. Any new thoughts on the case?"
"Well, honestly Mulder I've been sidetracked with this whole Majestic 12 and Illiuminati thing."
"Scully, let's just take this one case at a time; however after this case is finished I'd be more than happy to-"
BEEP BEEP BEEP! The shrill of the cell phone startled them both.
"It's mine." said Mulder pulling the small cell from his coat pocket.
"Mulder... Uh-huh... Yes sir but- ... Well yes sir I know that but- ... No, we've been working on this in our free time... Yes sir, with Agent Scully... Well I understand that sir but I thought we had a certain understanding about cases regaurding The Spooky Files... Well maybe you could tell them- ... But sir- ... Yes sir, I understand." With that Mulder turnedd off the phone and put it onto his coffee table.
"Mulder, what's going on..?"
"That was Skinner. He wants us back in Washington by tomarow night."
"Well what did you tell him?"
"What could I tell him? We have to go back to Washington tomarow night."
"But Mulder what about this case?"
"It looks like we have about one and a half days to solve it."
"But what about the truth?"
"What about the truth?"
"Well we've worked around Skinner's jawing before but if we come back to him with nothing again-"
"We aren't going back with nothing, we're going back with the truth."
"Well where is this truth?"
"The truth is out there."
"Out where?"
"I don't know Scully but it's not like we've worked our way up through a thrilling and mysterious case and left the audiance without a clue as to what the point is. Well maybe a few times."
"I know that Mulder, but still... Mulder, may I be frank?"
"Okay, but only if I get to be Joe."
There was a silence over both of them, Scully not getting the joke at all but shrugging it off and continuing.
"We've faced many weirdo cases before but I doubt any others can top this one, and not just in the catagory of how weirded out it is, but how tough it is to figure."
"Scully, we've seen aliens, space ships, countless concperacies. Don't tell me a few mysterious deaths in the cow comunity can stop us. If I know my charecture as well as I thin I do, every unexplaned aspect of this case can be somewhat settled by the end of the next season."
RING-RING!
Scully checked the cell phone in her jacket pocket and Mulder checked his on the night table. It was Mulder's.
"Mulder."
"Mulder, it's Langly."
"Oh, hey Langz. What-what's goin' on?"
"Your home-boy Amos called us. Needed a little helpy-help."
"Amos called you?"
"Well, he didn't exactly call us per-say. We kinda intercepted one of his calls."
"Who did that?"
"I did." replied Byers on the third line.
"Byers? Are we on three-way calling?"
"Yes."
"Well," Mulder chuckled. "This looks like a tiny bit of product-placement." Mulder said glancing into the camera.
" 'Three-way calling; it saves you time.' "
There was a pause as all The Lone Gunmen smilled and a Pacific Bell logo appeared at the bottom of the screen.
"Anyway Mulder. I intercepted the call."
"Why?"
"Just testing my new call-intercepting hardware. Broke through his call. Before he noticed I was there I heard the last part of his sentence."
"Which was..?"
" 'So I'm gonna need one heck of a doctor to figure this one out."
"So what'd you do?"
"Just hung up. That brought the other caller back through, meanwhile I went on the internet and tried to figure out what I was gonna have to do to figure out his current case without cutting his other caller again. Went into a local hacker chat, hooked up with a primo Phreaker and joined his call un-noticed."
"How'd ya do that?"
"How else..? Three-way calling. 'it saves you time.'"
"Well, that guy really must know a lot about phones. So what did you find the case to be?"
"A case he refeared to as opperation Cattle Juice."
"I'd like to know how you guys figure out what that is."
"It was quite a trick. Then we figured, 'what the heck? Let's try cattlejuice.com.' "
"Good thinkin' That's becoming a popular investigative procedure."
"Thanks. So once we figured out what Cattle Juice was we realised that Amos was trying to figure out the exact same thing that we had been... What Cattle Juice is."
"Yes, well it's funny that you should mention that case and awfully conincidental that your software would just happened to pick up that specific call. I'm the one who hired John to figure out what it is."
"Why do you care?"
"It's a long story..."
* * *
He hit pause to think for a second when just then Scully walked into the room. He did everything that happened in the video and got to where he'd left off with the phone conversation. He proceeded to explain the situation to them and ended the conversation. He hung up the phone and looked over at Scully sitting on the edge of his bed reading the back of the Cattle Juice cover.
"Hey, gimme that." Mulder said quickly grabbing the case and tossing it into an open drawer on his night table. Scully didn't even bother asking. She hadn't gotten a good enaugh look at the case to think it was anything more than embarasing home videos or some other movie he didn't want her to see, whatever that would be. Mulder glanced over at the clock. Nearly noon.
"So Scully, shall we get some lunch?"
"Why would we get lunch?"
"'Cause I gotta hunch you want lunch."
"Very interesting but I think what we really need is hunches on who's been murdering the cows."
"True, but I don't hunch well on an empty stomache. Let's go, just for a while. And who knows? Maybe a hunch will come lookin' for us."
They strolled outside and got into their real- ahem... car. (I caught myself) Their car drove down the street to a small diner. They walked inside. The light in the lobby slowly flickered as they walked through to a table. A waitress walked over to their tables and handed them menues. She greeted them with forced politness through a throat that could give you second hand smoke talking to her on the phone.
"Welcome to McFreejlies. Could I interest you in our special?"
"Depends. What is it?" asked Mulder.
"Spaghetti with meatballs."
"Hmm, sounds good. Sound good to you Scully?"
"Fine."
"Allright." said the waitress writing it down in her small note pad. She turned away but then looked back to them for a brief moment saying "Oh and for couples it comes in one large platter."
Before Scully could object the waitress had dissapeared into the kitchen.
Mulder giggled lightly then patted Scully's arm.
"What's the matter Scully? You have a problem with getting a platter of noodles for two?"
"As a matter of fact yes, I do. We aren't two... I mean like, we're not a couple."
"Well, one platter is a better buy."
"What about bacteria? I could get a disease."
"So that's it, is it Scully. You don't wanna eat with me 'cause I have cooties huh?"
"I didn't say you have cooties Mulder."
"Well you implied it."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"No I didn't"
"Yes you-" but before they could finish their little chat the waitress appeared at their table with troftish platter of spaghetti and meatballs.
"Here you go, if you order ten more you can earn a free beer." said the waitress walking away.
"Wow," started Mulder. "looks yummy don't it?"
"Well, as strange as it is, I'm to hungry to bicker over a troft for two."
With that they bagain eating. A romantic french melody starting humming through the speaker above them. Mulder and Scully sat side by side looking in apposit directions, both with a single noodle in their mouth. Mulder begain to swirl it into his mouth. Scully begain to do the same with her noodle. Moments later they realised they were lassowing in the same noodle. It forced their faces towards each other. They looked into each other's eyes. It snapped. Mulder gave his sad face. Scully gave her "I need to upgrade my Tetnis" face. Jupiter aligned with mars. The northern star started to twinkle. Though the diner was silent their seemed to be harps playing. Then visions of Skinner yelling at Mulder swam through Mulder's mind like a shark looking for a swimmer. They returned to normal eating mode.
Just then Mulder noticed a mysterious man sitting at the bar with his back to Mulder. From behind the man's face came a hand with a ciggeret. It slowly decended down into the ash tray then back up again, still holding it. Without puffing on it again it started tapping in the ash tray again. Again and again in aranged intravils. He then realised that the man wasn't a spaztic puter-out-of-the-cigeret person, it was moris code. The message, whatever it was, appeared to be repeating itself. Then Mulder remembered, he knew moris code! He watched it again and from boy scout memory tried to make it out. "M-E-E-T-M-E-I-N-T-H-E-A-L-L-Y-O-K" He pulled out a pen and scibbled out the letters on his napkin trying to figure out where the spaces go. It took only a minute for him to realise the message was "Meet me in the ally, OK?" Now all he needed to do was figure out a way to send him the "OK" message without Scully or anyone else catching on. He begain to caugh in a set pattern. His morris code was a little rusty so it took him a few times to figure out how to do it right and a few more times for the mysterious figure to realise that Mulder's caughing fit wasn't him choking on a meatball or a cold, it was the OK to walk out into the ally.
With that the man stood and walked out the back door.
"Umm, Scully, I need to go to the bathroom."
"Well be quick Mulder, we should leave soon and get back to buisness."
"Right, OK. Don't worry, it's just a number one." Mulder said as he walked away.
He walked quickly into the bathroom figuring there would be a window into the ally. He was right. He hoisted himself up to the window by standing on one of the urinals. He pushed it open and lowered himself to the bags of resturante garbage laying on the ground, then turned to see the man turning to see him.
"Lovely afternoon isn't it Agent Mulder?" asked Deap Throat.
Mulder looked up at the unusualy foggy sky then back down at Deap Throat, a strange look on his face.
"You were saying?" asked Mulder.
"Saying when?"
"That night, the night I followed Hallows."
"Oh, what I was saying then is not inportant now; but what I have to tell you today is. This case is not worthy of your time, and not only that it could get you into a lot of trouble which could jepordise your future."
There was a moment for Mulder to think.
"What future? What can I do? Every time I get close you or someone else pulls me off the case."
"Every time I talk to you I put myself in danger and every time you don't listen to me you put yourself in danger too. You must understand Mulder, our meetings aren't something to be taken lightly, it is of great value to yourself and all man kind that the truth must be set free."
"What truth? Where is the truth?"
"Out there, Agent Mulder. The Truth Is Out There."
* * *
Mulder made his confused face as Deap Throat dissapeared into some shaddowy fog stuff; he then returned to the diner where Scully had finished eating and was waiting for him.
"I thought you said it was a number one?"
"Well, you know how it is, you think it's a number one then you get in the bathroom and one thing leads to another and before you know it your sitting there writing 'FREE COW BOY HATS!!' on the protecto disspencer."
"Right, anyway, we should go do some F.B.I. stuff OK?"
"Sure. Where to first?"
"Well, I don't know Mulder, maybe we could go check back with your friend from the crime lab, see if he's got anything figured about that Cattle Juice."
"No, I wouldn't ecpect him to have figured it out by now; besides he usualy calls me if he's-" BRING BRING!
"Mulder."
"Hey Agent Mulder, it's John. Figured out that secret little Cattle Juice investigation?"
"Oh, not yet. Actualy I was hoping you'd have some info for me. My sources have been telling me to 86 this case. Think you can give me a reason to keep going?"
"Well, I'll see what I can do. I haven't taken care of the second testing yet but my first test showed it to be - - well..."
"Well what?" asked Mudler cocking his gun.
"One hundred percent cow blood."
Silence. The infamouse "Paniced face." Scully's wrinkles at the abrupt pause in the convorsation.
"OK. All right. Thanks John."
"No problem."
"Oh, and remember to get me that second test analisis OK?"
"Sure thing. Talk to you later."
"OK, you too. Bye."
"Bye."
There was a brief pause as Mulder slowly closed his cell phone and put it back in its holster. He then put his gun back on safety and re-buckled its holster. Scully waited paitently for Mulder to tell her what was going on."
"Mulder, what is it? What did he find?"
"He found that Cattle Juice is one hundrd percent cow blood."
"Oh my gosh."
"I know. Who would have thought huh?"
"But Mulder, if Cattle Juice really is just cow blood then why would the resturante be so succesful? And why wouldn't this have been discovered sooner?"
"I don't know, but we better find out."
They stepped outside and into their car. Mulder started the ingine and turned off the radio to think while he drove.
Where am I going? Why cow blood? Maybe Hallows really is a follower of the Cowpungee. Maybe I should've worn Brute after shave, I heard Scully likes rugged men.
They arrived at the Drabsville shopping center, home of Cattle Juice. Mulder parked the car and waited for Scully to make an observation or ask a question or something like that.
"Mulder, are you thinking we should go back into Cattle Juice?"
"Do you have a better plan?"
"Well, honestly Mulder I've been thinking. Remember those fuzzy TV's they had above the tables in there?"
"Yes."
"Perhaps he's using some sort of sybliminal messages through the TV's to addict people to Cattle Juice."
"I don't know Scully, I mean to walk into a place called Cattle Juice you'd already have to be confused about something."
"Well, their confusion may be caused by swamp gasses."
"Swamp gasses?"
"Yes, it's a natural phenominom where the sun's light is reflected of the methain gasses of swamps, reflected back onto the moon, reflect back down onto Michael Jordan's head, reflected back up onto Venus, then reflected back down onto people's rear view mirrors all around the place. Though they don't know it, these weird rays are being shot into their minds and confusing them, causing them to do such things as buying rodents for pets and re-electing bad presidents."
"And you think beyond all the really obviouse reasons that's causing a bunch of normal Ohio residents to stumble into a Spooky File?"
"Well, I would never rule out the obviouse, in fact I favor believing every crappy 'secret military jet' or 'weather baloon' storry the government raps around my eyes blinding me from the truth and stuff like that, but this time I think I'll favor the good ol' swamp gas theory."
"Scully, I do believe in the existance of swamps. Yes indeedee; but this time I think we're gonna have to do it my way."
"Your way?"
"Yes, I'm gonna go talk to Freddy Hallows, one-on-one, man-to-man, mono-e-mono."
* * *
As Mulder begain walking toward the mysterious structure giant gray clouds moved in and covered the sun. A huge cloud fell of Ohio and everything got real drab and creapy. Mulder slowed his pace to near slow motion movements, the distant sound of a leaky pipe started to drip loudly. He unbuckled the strap of his holster and turned his gun safety off. Scully followed behind, her hair floated in the breeze like a really graceful red mop or something. White doves followed behind. For no concievable reason the air was smokey and there were little fires burning here and there. Mulder shoved the glass door open, fire in his eyes. There stood Freddy Hallows behind the desk, his skin yellowed, his eyes turned black. Freddy lunged to the light switch and turned it off, the room becoming pitch black. When the light turned back on Freddy was gone, and there stood Mulder's long lost sister, Samantha sipping on a Cattle Juice.
"Fox."
"Samantha..? Is it really you?"
"Yes Fox. It's me. I gaurenty it. Would I lie..?"
"Oh, Samantha!" Mulder started walking towards her, his arms reaching out to hug her. Suddenly her face started morphing and it became Freddy Hallows' face.
"Fooled you! Huh-ha!"
At this Mulder didn't even blink. He begain franticaly jumping over the counter throwing punch after punch, kick after kick, in a Drunken Master/Jacking Chan kind of way. Scully, never knowing or suspecting that either Mulder or Hallows knew karate stood there in awe. Quick as a flash Mulder ripped what appeared to be a stick of gum out of his pocket, one half green, the other red, then for no reason at all used an Aulstrailian accent as he yelled, "Red light, green light!" smashing the gum in his hand and chucking it at the large glass tank of Cattle Juice that doubled as a large window. There was a moment of silence before it blew up and Mulder and Scully came blasting through the window, an ocean of Cattle Juice following behind them with all the speed of a really big wave except this proticular one moved in slow motion. (Great eye candy here huh..? Yeah, I thought so too. They would have too, but they were just a little bit buisy running for their lives.)
Just as they made it far enaugh from the building where it would be safe for it to explode, it did, don't ask me why, it just exploded. With almost starled looks on their faces they watched a the building burned to a pile of black ashes. Freddy Hallows' blood only added a little bit to the river of cow blood rushing into the sewers. An image of five teenage mutant ninja turtles sitting in the sewers grabbbing their umbrellas almost turned Mulder's rare happy face on. Almost.
"Scully."
Yes Mulder?"
"Let's get out of here."
* * *
F.B.I. Head Quarters, Washington D.C., The next day.
Asistan Director Skinner sat with his arms and leggs and eye brows crossed, his nostrills slightly flared out into wings.
"Agent Mulder I don't think I need to tell you what all this means."
"No sir, I think I have an understanding of the curent happening that's happening."
"As do I; in fact I usualy keep a mental update of the happenings that are happening."
"Me too sir. I never like to be oblivious to the nature of the curent happening that's happening weather it's really happening or someone thinks it's happening."
"Indeed. Well, perhaps certain readers might like to understand this specific happening that's happening."
"Yes sir. Often I pretend to be oblivious to the certain happening that's happening so you tell me about the happening that's happening so reader's understand the happening that's happening too."
"Well would you be so kind as to do that now Agent Mulder..?"
"Yes sir. I'll walk out, wait ten seconds and come back in."
"All right, get to it right away."
"Yes sir."
With that Mulder walked out of the office. Skinner picked up Mulder's field report and pretended he was just finishing reading it for the first time. About ten seconds later there was a kncok at the door.
"Come in Agent Muld- Ahem. Come in."
Mulder walked in.
"Aw Agent Mulder, I figured that would be you."
"You figured right. That's what I like about you Skinner, you're always aware of the curent happening that's happening."
"Yes well after reading your field report I'm sure you're aware of the curent happening that's happening."
"No sir." he winked. "What's the curent happening that's happening?"
"Mulder you spent seven hundred and sixteen dollars of the F.B.I's money and came back with nothing, zip, squat. Are you aware of how this will look on my report?"
"Sir, I thought we had a certain understanding about cases regaurding The Spooky Files."
"Yes well you can imagine the people I have to reply to aren't that understanduing. I'm reasigning you, The Spooky Files are history. Youy're being transported to the Mexican Navy as soon as possable. Scully will be asigned to working in a Seven Elevin in Nebraska."
"But sir-"
"'But'? No but! Dang your but! You heard now get out!"
"But-"
"Get, out."
Sigh.
"Yes sir."
Mulder swung the door open, from behind the door was revieled The Cigerette Smoking Man. He smiled at Skinner. Skinner's face morphed into the face of Freddy Hallows. They smiled.
The End
About The Author
Jacob Matthew W. was born in Northern California in 1988. From the age of 1 his parents and relitaves recotgnized they had a geniouse on their hands; but little did they know just what kind of geniouse he would grow to be. When he was 10 he started playing the piano and exelarated at a highly above normal speed. Soon after he'd become bored with the ease of playing it and decicded to express himself in a different way: he begain writing. At age 11 he wrote his first book which achieved him great success and awe from family and friends alike. He went on to write a book of revolutionary science fiction that was published daily in his popular magazine, The Glitch, (formaly known as Electrical Banana & Mama Pajama, his sister an occaisonal co-writer.) People from all around the globe were blessed with this masterpiece in the modern litterary world. He then went on to write more ground breaking books and even some brylant poetry that grossed millions of compliments from faithful Jakeheads. The Jakehead culture has growen rappidly over the past couple years and is now recotgnized by people of extreme importance. He now resides in California where he writes, reads, and surprises himself on a daily basis.
Also By Ward
1998 - The Celebrity*
1999 - Brain Freeze*
1999-2000 - Invasion On Glandaaxx (Star Wars)*
1999-2000 - The Complete Poetry of Jacob Ward*
2000 - The Potential
2001 - The Face Maker (Matix)
2001 - The Spooky Files: Cattle Juice (X-Files)
2001 - The Spooky Files: Jose Chung's "The X Files" (X-Files)
2001 - The Spooky Files: Push Upstairs (X-Files)
*extremely rare, out of print.**
**well, they really they never were in print. If I'd printed Invasion On Glandaaxx it could be found but a certain someone detained the privlage of saving it and then went on to break our computer. It blew up and pixles got stuck in her teeth.
About This Book
This book (with good reason) is my pride 'n' joy. It's a comedy, spoofing the hit TV series The X Files. The X Files is my favorite show, and if you don't watch it or know all about it you prabably thought my book sucked and didn't get the jokes. I wrote it, all originaly, from X Files information gathered by watching too much TV and my stupid mind. If you liked the book, go ahead and tell me. Shower me with praise. I really don't mind. And hey, TELL YOUR FRIENDS! That's what I need (wo)man(s)! (ooh, that was good, I was able to talk like me without someone yelling "Hey, I ain't a 'man' or 'woman' or jazz like that. Anyway, even if you think this websites sucks you can use it as an example of our decaying community and fear for our next generation and STILL tell your friends AND enemies about it just so you can analize it from a "I'm not gonna laugh, I'm not gonna laugh, I'm not gonna-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS GUY IS SO HECKA FUNNY! I SPILLED MY STARBUCKS! MWAHAHAHA!" point of veiw.
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"Well, I Know I'm Not As Talented As You But..."
What? After seeing such incredable writing talent you still think you have what it takes to have your work posted on my site?! ... Cool, that's commendable. Well, honeslt, I wouldn't mind at all; in fact, I'd be pleased as peaches to have some more stuff on my site. After all, the site, if you haven't noticed, isn't very large. Of course all work would be heavily looked at and highly edited for my personal purposes... Shyeah, right! No, really I would really be pleased as peach. C'mon out of that shell and let the world (well, at least as many people who would come through my site and take a second look at something written by anyone other than the master) see your stuff! (besides, it can't be worse than mine!:)
By The Way...
If for some unexplainable reason you want to dig deaper into my writings you might want to check out goosehead.com and go to the poetry part. I wrote some comedy poetry and put it up there. The people actualy kinda like it from the fead back I got. Who knows, maybe you will too... maybe.
COPYRIGHTS This book was written 100.5% originaly by me, Jacob. W. Charectures Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, The Cigerette Smoking Man and Assistant Director Skinner are all copyrights of Chris Carter, The X Files, Fox, and all those companies like Ten Thirteen. "I Made This!" Drabbsville, Ohio, Agent Dukes, Freddy Hallows, Ed, and all other charectures and places and other jazz is copyright of me and Weirded Out Inc. Nothing on this site is to be copied, reproduced, edited, publicly viewed or any junk like that without my permission. Gotta ask da man. (Honestly I don't care if you let anybody read or see anything on my site as long as it isn't edited and is given full credits to me and this site.
Wanna Use Something From This Site? If you or anyone you know wants to copy something from this site or advertise for this site or anything like that then please e-mail me with the following information:
1. What on this site you want.
2. What you want it for.
3. How long you plan do be doing this/that with the thing(s) from my site. And that's it! You can expect a reply very very soon and if you don't get it it's either because I'm away or grounded from the computer or something like that. I'm not trying to diss you. Unless your e-mail address is Like_Ditzy_Spazzy_Blondy_Valley_Girly_NSYNKy_Rully or something like that. In that case I'm proabably trying to diss you. But anyway, if you DO want something just click
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